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 Blonde Jokes

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AceOfClubs
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PostSubject: Blonde Jokes   Fri Dec 11 2009, 13:14

Hope that these jokes make you crack a smile and laugh the rest of the day! Enjoy

Blonde Joke #1: “Blonde on the lookout”

A redhead was well over the speed limit when she asked her blonde passenger, “See any cops behind us?” The blonde turned around for a long look. “Hey, yeah, I do.” “Damn!” said the redhead. “Are his flashers on?” The blonde replied, “Yep, nope. Yep, nope. Yep, nope.”

Blonde Joke #2: “First Class to Vegas”

The blonde plopped down in First Class in spite of her Coach ticket. The stewardess informed her, “Miss, you’re going to have to move to your seat.” But the blonde merely smiled smugly. “Honey, you don’t understand: I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Even the head stewardess couldn’t make her move. “I’m cute, I’m blonde, and when I get to Las Vegas, I’m going to be rich.” Finally the Captain was summoned. He whispered in the blonde’s ear, she gave him a surprised look, then stood up and moved quietly to Coach. The stewardesses were impressed. “What did you say to get her to leave?” “Oh, I just told her ‘First Class doesn’t stop in Las Vegas!’”

Blonde Joke #3: “Blonde Diagnosis”

“Doc, you’ve got to help me,” said the cute young redhead. “I hurt all over.” “What do you mean?” asked the doctor. She touched her right knee with her finger. “Ow, that hurts.” She touched her left cheek. “Ow, that really hurts!” Then she touched her shoulder. “OW! Even THAT hurts!” The doctor grew suspicious. “Are you a natural blonde?” he asked. “Why, yes,” she replied. “how did you know?” “Oh, lucky guess,” said the doctor. “You have a sprained finger.”




Blonde Joke #4: “Blonde Cruise”

A blonde walking by a travel agency notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special - $99!” She goes inside, hands the agent her money, and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.” The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, pushes her in and leaves her, floating downstream. A few minutes later another blonde passes by, sees the sign, goes inside, and pays for the $99 cruise special. She receives the same treatment. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. As they float along, side-by-side, the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?” The other replies, “They didn’t last year!”

Blonde Joke #5: “Alligator Shoes”

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, “Well then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!”

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, “Well little lady, why don’t you go on and give it a try?”

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back & rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration . .

“CRAP! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”
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misschrissy1
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Fri Dec 11 2009, 23:06

Not bad at all,pretty good ones Clubbers.

I'll add to this,although not blonde jokes,I have several stored up to share. Enjoy. I / we will try to keep these moderatrely clean. ( LOL )
This group of jokes is called - And then the fight started........

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started...

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......
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AceOfSpades
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sun Dec 13 2009, 11:05

The husband and wife jokes were hilarious chrissy. The blond jokes were funny too AoC. LMAO!!!!

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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sun Dec 13 2009, 17:09

More to come Very Happy

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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sun Dec 13 2009, 20:43

This one has been cleaned up a bit for forum purposes :

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!! !!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Mon Dec 14 2009, 19:23

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misschrissy1
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Mon Dec 14 2009, 20:33

Biker jokes huh ? I've got a couple.

1. Guy on a Honda pulls up to a toll booth. Toll collector says "Two dollars". Honda rider says "Sold!"

2. One Sunday an old biker walks into church and sits down in the front row. As the preacher is beginning his sermon, the devil suddenly appears at the altar. The members of the congregation, including the preacher himself, flee the church in terror, all except for this one old biker in the front row.

The devil notices this one biker still in the church and walks down from the altar to confront him. He roars at the man, "Do you know who I am?"

"Why of course I know who you are," the man calmly replies. "You're Satan."

"And you're not afraid of me like the others?" the devil asks somewhat miffed.

To which the biker replies, "No. Why should I be? I've been married to your sister for 25 years ".



I'm not so sure if I / Craig should post the biker and the whore joke,it's funny,well maybe it can be cleaned up a bit,we'll see.
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Tue Dec 15 2009, 21:32

Lmao.....

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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Tue Dec 15 2009, 21:38

My Resimay

To hoom it mae cunsern, I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.
I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person. I no my spelling is not too good.
My salerery is open, I kin start emeditely.
Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.
Sinseerly,
Tiffanny
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short
I sent a pickture of me.











Employer's response:...

Dear Tiffany,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.
See you Monday.


.
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69Runner
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Tue Dec 15 2009, 22:27

H I R E D !!!!!
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misschrissy1
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Tue Dec 15 2009, 23:09

69Runner wrote:
H I R E D !!!!!

Oh really now,well I just fired her. So there HAH ! ! ! ( LOL )
At least mine are not store bought.


Ok - time for the biker and the whore (edited version - forum friendly)

A road-wary old biker walks into a saloon to have a cold beer after a long, dusty ride. At the end of the bar, he sees a rather good-looking "lady of the evening". She smiles at him and asks if he's looking for a good time. Well, having been some time since his last snarlin' he accepts. After agreeing on a price, she escorts him up to her room and they start bangin'. After about 10 minutes of furious banging the old biker asks:
"So babe, how am I doing ?"

She replies:
"You're doin' "3 nots".
"3 nots ?.... What's that mean ?" replies the biker.
She said:
"You're NOT hard, you're NOT in, and you're NOT getting your money back !"



Here's a "Dear Abbey"

Dear Abbey,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all ?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.

So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer ?
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sat Dec 19 2009, 17:17

Alright,heres one for YOU GUYS.

Teenage blonde cheerleader :

The blonde cheerleader goes home from school and tells her Mother that " the boys keep asking her to keep on practicing cartwheels because she's very good at them,and that practice makes perfect ".


Her Mother replied : " YOU should say NO - they only want to look at your underpanties ".


The blonde cheerleader replied : " I know they do,that's why I took them off and hid them in my backpack " !!!
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sun Dec 20 2009, 00:11

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,

"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands.

This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man.

A young minister prepares to go to bed with his bride on their wedding night. Upon entering the bedroom he sees her lying down on the bed. Ever conscious of his duties to the Lord, he exclaims,

"Woman, don't you know that you should be on your knees?"

Her suprised reply: "Well, OK, if that's what you want. But I always get hiccups when I do it that way."
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sun Dec 20 2009, 22:10

Clubs - those are excellent.

(hiccups) - LMAO
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Mon Dec 21 2009, 22:00

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.


The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

Slim,
Tall,
38D breast,
24" waist and
34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Tue Dec 22 2009, 22:18

Alright guys,here's your Nun - click on the following : ( LOL ) Enjoy

Oh my God,what have I become
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AceOfClubs
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Wed Dec 23 2009, 19:28

Oh yes, I enjoyed very much. I want to be a priest Very Happy


A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’ And the father replied, ‘I don't know, son, I'm still paying’ No worry Craig, sooner or later you pay either way Sad




A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks. He asked the sergeant leading the tour, ‘What's the camel for?’ 
The sergeant replied, ‘Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel.’ The captain said, ‘Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me.’ 
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, ‘BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!’ The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters. The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, ‘Is that how the enlisted men do it?’   
The sergeant replied, ‘Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town


 
A WOMAN'S FOUR FAVORITE ANIMALS:  A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all !



‘They say that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. That's not as bad as it sounds, considering that the other 50% end in death.’
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sat Dec 26 2009, 14:03

Now that's some funny stuff Clubbers.I'm sure Craig will have something to say about a couple of those once he see's them.

And one I heard just yesterday ...

Santa Claus says HO,HO,HO ...
Tiger Woods says,where,where,where
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Sun Dec 27 2009, 22:26

Clubs,careful what you wish for.Ther's no doubt that Miss Hail Mary is full of Grace,but you may end up with something like this.

(Click) >>>> Here's your Nun.

Now we know why they say that some priests are gay.If you had to live with this,hmmmmm.

It's already getting expensive Clubs,this wedding stuff is not cheap.
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Mon Dec 28 2009, 18:20

I'd rather be a gay then looking at that Nun Very Happy

I feel sorry for all the youngsters, 25 years ago a wedding cost >$10K :sunny:



Who Says Men Don't Remember Anniversaries
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Mon Dec 28 2009, 19:06

Be Aware, Category: Dirty Joke
Stop here if you're sensitive to dirty jokes.





The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Mon Dec 28 2009, 20:23

Oh yes it is,there's no escaping this prison.I have a prisoner in bondage.

I think he likes it though ! ! !
:lol!:
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Mon Dec 28 2009, 20:57

Forgot to tell this one in the previous post.So ya' want to get dirty huh,well here goes.

Not for virgin eyes or ears.

Patick has broken his leg and his buddy Nick comes over to see him..
Nick says, "How you doin?"
"Patrick says, "Okay, but do me a favor please , run upstairs and get me my slippers, me feet are freezing."
Nick goes upstairs and sees Patrick's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters lying on the bed naked. Nick says to them , "Your dad sent me up here to have sex with both of you."
They replied, "Get away with you .... prove it to us "

Nick shouts downstairs, "Patrick, both of 'em?"
Patrick shouts back, "Of course both of 'em, what's
the point of F****** one ?"

:lol!: my a** off.Sorry,I cannot show the associated picture that was accompanied with this e-mail I recieved.You'll have to use your imagination.
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Tue Dec 29 2009, 00:19

^
^
^
Still LMAO at this one.I about died laughing when she showed me this one. Hey,double your pleasure,right ? Oh yeah,the related picture is something that is not so forum friendly,it's good,but not forum friendly.

I'm a prisoner in bondage ? ... hmmm,really now ? Laughing
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PostSubject: Re: Blonde Jokes   Tue Dec 29 2009, 13:31

Pictures say a thousand words, can you pm the picture? Very Happy

Prisioner in bondage, hmm, whatever that is. it sounds good Rolling Eyes
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