Blonde Jokes

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Tue Dec 29 2009, 21:08

AceofClubs wrote:: Pictures say a thousand words, can you pm the picture?

Prisioner in bondage, hmm, whatever that is. it sounds good

Uuuum how do I pm a picture (LOL - DUH) ? Am I alowed to pm such stuff like this in a forum or not ? I don't want to cause any troubles with such material.

He's not complaining,so he must be enjoying the fact that he's my prisoner. :lol!:

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Tue Dec 29 2009, 22:43

Hey Clubbers,I sent it to you via e-mail.

E N J O Y I T :lol!:

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Sun Jan 03 2010, 18:19

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a piece of tail.' The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Mon Jan 11 2010, 21:28

Clubbers,hope 'ya don't mind,but MC gave me your e-mail for stuff that is as she puts it "not forum friendly" LMAO.

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Mon Jan 11 2010, 23:29

Not a problem. More I want more bounce

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Tue Jan 12 2010, 21:19

LMAO at you guys,and you call me twisted ???? Of course,I'll give you one guess where some of this stuff comes from !!!!! I pay back though (wink - wink).

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Wed Jan 13 2010, 22:06

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' ..and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

'For me to accept this bottle, you would need to have a Mercedes in your Garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

His note read:

Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I Have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Carrerra in my several garages.

I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars In my bank account and portfolio.

But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back.'

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Wed Feb 03 2010, 21:06

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100," she replies.

In broken English he says "Do you do Immigrant Style?"

"No" she says.

"I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style."

"No", she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No", she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No", she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style."

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had
every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How
bad could Immigrant Style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and in
every possible position. Finally, after several hours, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting
something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what exactly
is 'Immigrant Style'?"

The illegal immigrant replies "You send bill to Government."

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Sat Feb 06 2010, 13:32

That is funny and true at the same time.

1. Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN
LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.
SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS..

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.

THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

2. The best golf story ever:

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf.

He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant....

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you!" "I hope you're proud of yourself!"

"While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!" "It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care."

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed ...

The doctor snickered and said, "Ah, I'm just f****** with you. She's dead.
What'd you shoot?"

3. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I hung him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?'

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Thu Feb 11 2010, 02:04

All these jokes gave me a big smile. Best 1 was man with 7 inches cheers

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Mon Mar 15 2010, 20:26

I got this one in an e-mail today,I found it quite amusing.

An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible

2. A silver dollar

3. A bottle of whiskey

4. And a Playboy magazine

“I'll just hide behind the door,” the old preacher said to himself. “When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the silver dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And, worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.”

The old preacher man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

“Lord have mercy,” the old preacher disgustedly whispered …

“He's gonna run for Congress.”

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Tue Mar 16 2010, 21:12

That joke seems so true in a mysterious way,lol.

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Wed Mar 17 2010, 22:56

Hmm, why didn't I become a Congress man.

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Thu Mar 18 2010, 21:37

It's never too late Clubs !

Clubbers for Congress,I can see it now.

I'd be willing to throw out a thousand dollars that you could do a hell of a lot better job than what we have in Washington now !

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Sat Mar 20 2010, 20:20

LoL, the conversation reminded me of " strip tease" with Burt Reynolds and Demi M. if I remember corectly. While we're on movies subject, have you seen "Best times at Ridgemond High" ?LoL

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Sun Mar 21 2010, 20:13

Don't you mean Fast Times at Ridgemont High ?

Yes,it's a funny movie.

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Mon Mar 22 2010, 21:08

I didn't say "Best Times" did I? Smile

I don't remember what I was thinking Smile

Lets change it to "Best Times" Smile

I had the best times watching that movies when I was way at younger age Laughing

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Tue Mar 23 2010, 21:37

On the subject of funny movies - The Breakfast Club is pretty funny as well.It'a an older movie,but still good.

New joke - I just it recieved from a friend of mine upon the announcement of my marriage. These is pretty good.

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:'I was looking for the expiration date.'

------------

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

------------

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.. .'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

--------------

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

-----------------------------

Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the Head with a frying pan. 'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'. The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon regaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Mon May 03 2010, 20:47

I love this one

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street,when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you ?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did !'
The cop looked the bike over and handed
the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Give this to your Dad, and next year, tell Santa to put
a reflector light on the back of it !'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you ?'
Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered,
'Yes, he sure did !'
The little girl then replied :
'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top !!!

:lol!:

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Tue May 04 2010, 13:45

I like the little girl Very Happy

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Fri May 07 2010, 13:00

What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A Golden Retriver!!!! :lol!:

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Sun May 09 2010, 12:30

A woman was out bargin hunting when she came across a garrage sale at a brothel. Looking around the items, she came across a parrot in a guilded cage and instantly bought it. When the lady finaly gets the bird set up in her home, it looks at it's new owner and says, "Squawk! New madame, new madame!!"
With a bit of concern on her face she thinks to herself, "Well, I guess thats not too bad."
She goes about her day until her teenage daughters come home from school and is startled to her her new pet, "Squawk! New girls, new girls! Squawk!"
The woman, now with a look of suprise, thinks, "Oh boy! Now that's getting a bit risque'!"
But that was nothing compared to the suprise she got a few minutes later when her husband walks throught the door and the bird exclaims, "Hi Keith!" Shocked

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Sun May 09 2010, 23:39

damn parrot

surprise - oops - lmao

Subject: Re: Blonde Jokes Mon May 10 2010, 00:15

I would have replaced the cage with an oven Laughing

Posts : 5 Join date : 2010-05-09 Location : Houston, TX

Ok, It my turn

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly... They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night." Smile