Blonde Jokes

President Obama asked a blonde, brunette & redhead how much it would cost to have sex with them.The redhead said $500.The blonde said $250.The brunette replied,'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get your d--k as hard as the times we're livin in now & keep it risin like gas prices & screw me the way you have the retirees, it won't cost you a f-----g cent!




A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 1st row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?
What does the colour of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?
Its men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general... and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little s*** that is sitting on your knee!'

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by! the waist and placed her firmly on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch me! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

Nice one :lol!:

Southern wives

The first man married a woman from OHIO. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away

The second man married a woman from MICHIGAN. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Texas. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

Were these jokes supposed to be funny????

No, How about this.

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do.

Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"


Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Dude walks through the door and says to his wife, "Honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!!!".
"Oh my god!" she exclaims with glee, "What should I pack?!"
He responds even happier, "Everything! Get the f@#k out, b*tch!!!!!!!!"

LOL

L A M F O They must be flaming!!!

misschrissy1 wrote:

A visual joke this time around,LOL.

Dear Abby

Make sure you click on "Dear Abby" for the picture.

A blonde walks into her blonde friends garage to find her friend blowing on the exhaust pipe of her car.

"What are you doing?" she asked

"I don't have money to fix the dent" the friend replied. "The guy at the body shop said if I blow on the tailpipe, the dent will pop out."

"OMG" the blonde shreiked "You are so stupid! That will never work"

"Why not?" asked the friend, still blowing on the tailpipe.

"Because you left the windows rolled down"

What do you get when a blonde stands on her head?

A brunette

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama Bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together pn a beach one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.


The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.


Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.


The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'


The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigarette,
smiles and says,


'Fill it with water.'

same as blackjack. i mean no harm .not sutible for everyone, but listen to message.
a plane is losing power, the pilot radios"sorry folks,but we've let the luggage go and the plane continues to loose speed.
i hate to say we're releasing passengers by abc order, starting with a's, are there any AFRICANS?
OK,B
BLACK PEOPLE, any BLACK PEOPLE?
COLORED PEOPLE?
silence
a child turns to his mom and asks "Mom,arent we african,black, and colored? His mom replies" Honey,today we are nig**s, let them MEXICANS go first.so the little colored boy turns to the mexican kid and laughs.
The mexican kid laughs back and says"im a WETBACK, so get ready to jump MY NIGGAS!!!!!

WE ARE TOGETHER IS STORY MEANING
IM NO RASIST DO NOT INTEND HARM TO ANYONE WHO READS THIS JOKE.TEAM RULES OVER 1

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, ‘You wanna play 'magic'?’
She responds, ‘What's that?’
He says, ‘Well we go back to my place and screw, and then you disappear!’

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"